Bandit Fling with a Psychotic Thing
by AMAonemanoctopus
Summary: Erika is a wannabe Vault Hunter whose psychic powers have caught the eye of Hyperion and now endanger her friends, family, and herself. Grinner is a psychotic killer who's obsessed with violence, mayhem, and chaos. Also this imaginary octopus he thinks is following him around . . . or, you know . . . is him. MY FIRST STORY
1. Chapter 1

**Bandit Fling with a Psychotic Thing**

**1.1 Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap**

So I'm a girl of simple tastes. Really, that's all anyone can afford here on Pandora. A few flowers, maybe a sun-bleached Stalker skull, some drab rocks, and hey, I'll sure as hell call it nice. Now don't get me wrong, I can appreciate the more artistic side in some people. You know, those guys who like to leave half-rotted corpses melting into the corner of a scrap hut, or paint the walls up in congealed blood. Simple tastes mean experience with few comforts, so I've gotten used to the bumps and cuts and bruises of life as a Vault Hunter. A really sexy, dangerous, badass killer Vault Hunter at that. We all have our scrapes here and there. Makes life interesting, right? Was it the rude awakening this morning? Or the bumpy ride from my camp in the foothills of the Highlands trussed up in the trunk of a smelly old Technical? Anymore, I can't rightly say, but in any case, I was not enjoying the guest suite my captors had put me up in.

Have to say, being titled "The Huntress" has its perks. You're not renowned as a legendary warrior with the gift of intuition and a sixth sense that can practically sense the childlike glee of a Goliath trying to sneak up on you. Of course, the gifts that make you special don't always work. That's why God hands out pert racks and damn fine asses. Or, you know, whatever it is God gives men that makes them damn fine too. Granted, when your sixth sense fails, you get jumped by a bandit gang in the first minutes of daylight, and there are about thirty ex-convicts who've gone so long without a nudie magazine they've practically forgotten what's between their legs, these things the Almighty hands out start working against you. Judging from the growing chorus of screamed fantasies and just-remembered lusts, another day for me just wasn't in the cards.

Now, I've been in similar situations before. Remember what I said about affording things on Pandora? Yeah, get used to shanghaies, cannibal cookouts, and Spiderant family reunions with you as the party favor, or MULTIPLE party favors, because that happens a lot here. Give me something sharp, or pointed, or shooty, or . . . blow-uppy . . . whatever . . . and I'll get myself out of any jam.

Obviously these bandits hadn't read the memo. The shackles on my wrists were metal. Thick metal. So was the damn collar. Yeah, I'm never putting one on a dog for as long as I live. There was nothing to do but appreciate the décor. But of course, I really wasn't in the mood.

My ears perked up at the sharp report of a shotgun blast followed by the beautiful music of brains splattering the side of my little guest suite. There was still quite the commotion outside. A lot less sexual fantasies, mostly just screaming. And limb ripping. Death gurgles; I liked the sound of those death gurgles. Friend or foe, I was certainly feeling a lot more confident about my situation when the door sort of decided to spring itself across the room and bury in the opposite wall.

Then my heart sank. Curse positive thinking.

The guy that lumbered in was huge. Badass huge. But badass psycho huge. Without the mutated arms. Or maybe _both _arms were mutated. He had everything your perfect psycho requires. Muscles. Lots of muscles. Muscles on top of muscles. No shirt. Lots of tattoos. Eyeballs mostly. Inmate pants with blood stained across the legging. Combat boots that by now were caked with sand and small intestine. A shotgun in one giant hand that, quite honestly, could fit more than one object the size of my head in its palm.

He lumbered into the shack. I was thinking _great, just great. No nomad or torturer to keep him in line. He's gonna smear me on the wall._

So by now my heart had sunk into my stomach. I was pretty screwed. That little hopeful voice inside all our heads, you know, the one that says dumb things like "maybe he won't notice us" crap? Yeah, it choked and faded in my mind as he turned to stare at me.

"DID SOMEONE CALL FOR AN OCTOPUS?!"

He was through the barred cell door and on top of me before I had time to scream. Or crap myself.

_Well this is it, _I thought to myself as a giant hand plucked me up by the neck. I closed my eyes as I felt something in his arm flex. Fingers closed around my upper body and throat and tightened.

I heard something snap.


	2. Chapter 2

**Bandit Fling with a Psychotic Thing**

**1.2 I'm not sure how I should be feeling about all this OH MY GOD OCTOPUS!**

_Good . . . good . . . free the pretty lady. Snap the collar. Like a neck. Snap goes the collar! Yes, yes, yes! Squeeze and snap! Squeeze and snap! Okay, let her go, let her go. Oops! She fell. CURSE YOU EVIL GRAVITY! YOU SHALL NOT HARM ANOTHER! Wait . . . didn't shout that. Didn't shout what? IRRELEVANT!_

_. . . Why is she trying to crawl away from me? FROM US FROM US FROM US!_

_It's the damn octopus! He's scaring her! Where is he? Never mind, never mind! There's still more meat outside! MOVING MEAT FOR THE EYES! The eyes see everything. One's coming for us . . . she's in danger. Quick! The rifle. Dropit, dropit, dropit! Hee hee, she thought I was going to hit her._

"_I'M A ONE MAN SUBMARINE!"_

_Come on, pick it up. Maybe if I nudge it with my foot . . . it will look more appealing. Hurry pretty lady! You smell nice._

"I . . . I . . . please, I don't want any trouble. Please."

_Joy! Goliath friends! I love you too! Give me a hug! WHY IS HE SCREAMING?! Blood! Blood everywhere! Pull the Goliath apart! Make his insides scream too! Look at the pretty intestines! YESSS! POP GOES THE ARM SOCKETS! POP GOES THE WAIST! Splash goes everything in the lower stomach cavity! Now I have TWO Goliaths!_

"_I WILL FEAST ON YOUR MEMORIES!"_

_Happiness abounding! Blood everywhere! I am happy!_

"Just . . . just die already!"

_Nomad! He looks important! A necklace of skulls would be nice. Crap oh crap oh crap . . . minigun starting up! What? What are you doing pretty lady? Don't try and run! He'll gun you down! Fall like the wheat to the scythe! BEAUTIFUL STRAFING OF TWINKIES!_

_Quickly, grab her. No! Don't scream. I'm trying to help you! Help you! See? See all the bullets! WHERE'S THE OCTOPUS? I HATE WHEN I CAN'T SEE THE OCTOPUS!_

"Please! Please just let me go! I got this!"

_But what about the minigun? It will . . . shit! Where are you going?_

_Oh. That was . . . that was so beautiful! Did you see?! Hee hee! Did you see that? She just thought his brains apart! Squish! LIKE A BULLET IN THE PILLOW! She can do that to me too! STOP THE VOICES! STOP THE SCREAMING! Uh oh, suicide psycho! Silly fool, buzz axes are so much messier! Turn his face to MEAT! Sight the shotgun, sight the shotgun, sight the shotgun! _

_BOOM! HEADSHOT!_

_Crap! Look out pretty lady! Grenade! Jump! Catch her. Cover her! You have a shield._

_KABOOM! Shower me with your metal affection!_

_She has flowers around her neck. Pretty flowers. She smells really nice. Like flowers. There goes the shrapnel across my back. Like rain. ACID RAIN OF LOVE! See? See lady? I have a shield. It's okay. You're safe._

"Um . . . thank you, I guess. I, uh . . . yeah. You can . . . you can get off of me now."

_Right, right, right! There we go! Up and good as new. Shield's just about recharged now too. What's she looking at? Oh. Looks like shrapnel in the side. Big piece. Wait a minute, it's not shrapnel, it's that cool bone knife! FINALLY! Now I remember where that cheeky Bandit put it! It's a beautiful day now! I have a girl! I have a knife! I have PAIN!_

_Why am I weak all of a sudden? It's not just the knife. Looks like bullet holes. Clean through too! Heh, I love it when I rhyme. I just have to keep standing._

"Crap, you're hurt!"

_I don't think I want to stand up anymore._

"_TIMBER!" _


End file.
